TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be huge. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed through the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the very best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully away from place. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable h2o. But Indeed, positive, let us have An additional spot where American Gentlemen can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: offer you Anyone a set over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't really that Trump should not open Trump Tower Damascus up a tower within a war zone. It's that he need to halt making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the task, replied, "You know, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head noticeable from Room, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and also the chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following acquiring the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Functions


Perhaps the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which guests may possibly contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Endlessly."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Worldwide traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will also contain:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge in which my PTSD may have transform-down services."


A different post from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

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